Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
