I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
We were destined to go to rehab together
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
