I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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