Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Randomize
