I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
