I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
