I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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