I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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