the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
