There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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