did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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