There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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