The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
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