I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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