You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
