Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
