my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
