i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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