There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
