I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
she told me i tasted like america
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
