i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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