Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
