Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
