kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
