So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
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There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
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I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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