Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Is her dick bigger than yours?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
