Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
