bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
