Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
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