I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
