checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
