I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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