Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
