Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
