At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
