After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
