my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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