I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
