why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
