you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
