i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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