I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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