Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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