I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
