I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
