she woke up with a sticky ear
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
This is my gift to your gina
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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