if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
My life is pants optional.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
