dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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