Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
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