Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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