does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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