I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
