if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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