Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
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I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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