I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
