can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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