did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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