The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
