your parents love me but you hate me
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Randomize
