I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
